Anxiety and Panic Attacks and Depression; My 4 Year Journey

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So aside from blogging about piercings and tattoos like I normally do I decided a good blog to do this time around would be over my anxiety, my panic attacks, what has caused me to have them...and well...the unwanted depression they can cause! So I'll start out by saying it before this whole blog begins; I HAVE EMETOPHOBIA!!!

Even the word is so terrible I hate it. BUT! You may or may not know what that means so let me help you better understand. As you can clearly see at the end of the word, it is a PHOBIA. This means that it is an extreme and even irrational fear of something. What you may ask? "EMET" also known as...THROWING UP. VOMIT. EW EW EW.

Okay so while that is a tad unprofessional on the blogger's end, if you haven't put the two together I have an extreme, and yes irrational fear, of throwing up. I don't like doing it, I don't like seeing it, and I don't like being around, hearing, or even thinking about it. It is the worst thing I could ever imagine or the most sinful act I could ever be a part of. Or so I feel anyway. That is not necessarily true but it sure does feel like it. The problem with this phobia, like many, is that it is a part of every day life. Not MY everyday life, not YOUR everyday life, but the world's every day life. You don't throw up every day from being sick or having a severe or serious stomach bug, but the act itself happens every around the world every single day in some way.

So why does it bother me so much? I can't really tell you. That is the huge problem with having a phobia of something so rational. It's like the fear of death, or spiders. Can't you prevent it, or...them? No you can't. Every one dies, spiders are everywhere, life is hard. Boo.

My huge problem with having emetophobia, which by the way I didn't develop until after I finished high school, is that it caused me to have anxiety and panic attacks. I started to be so afraid of throwing up that I became anxious EVERY WAKING MOMENT that I would somehow get sick and throw up. That caused me to have panic attacks anytime my stomach made a funny noise, or my tummy got upset, or that my throat was dry and scratchy. This new development caused me to have AGORAPHOBIA.

This means I started panicking about going out into society and being trapped. I was worried if I was in the car and got sick I wouldn't have any way out. Or if I was in the store and got sick I would freak out and die after violently throwing up. AND NO ONE WOULD HELP ME!!!

I literally spent weeks in the house, lounging around or sitting outside on the grass when the weather was nice. I hated going anywhere besides my house. I would hardly eat and I even dropped a few pounds (by the time I started getting a little better I think my weight dropped a solid 8 or 9 pounds) because literally all I would eat was little spoonfuls here and there and a piece of bread every night that way if my stomach got upset the bread would help absorb it. Yeah, emetophobic logic right?

Eventually though, I got over this little phase and began to go out more and eventually started getting a little better a little at a time. I remember when my father passed I had cried so hard and so much because my mother was so distraught, and that was intensely upsetting to me, that I actually had been clenching my teeth for hours on end. I had developed a serious headache which became a migraine by the next day and it freaked me out. I tend to get severe headaches when I actually get nauseous so headaches can be pretty intimidating to me sometimes.

I then ended up in a terrible relationship about 3 months after with this abusive guy who would push me around and torment me for stupid stuff. Somehow though, I managed to go to California with him (prior to the beatings I would start receiving while there) and stayed there for a month. It was a crazy experience, and while California was nice, my anxiety was still something I dealt with daily. It wasn't as bad, but when I look back on it, I don't know if I could do it again.

Once I returned home from California, and ended up leaving that horrible waste of my time, I started talking to my doctor about my panic attacks, which were less frequent, and my anxiety and what caused them. She summed it up to low blood sugar and did some test that revealed that I was in fact hypoglycemic. Yay right? Weird thing is, I already felt like I had some minor medical issue with my blood sugar and already could tell the DISTINCT difference between low blood sugar and an anxiety attack.

Eventually though she prescribed me some medication and a therapist. The medication was not in the least bit helpful. It actually made me feel worse. I get that for the first two weeks you have a few side effects until your body becomes adjusted to them but they made me feel so TERRIBLE. I literally felt sick at my stomach the entire time and the whole point of being on these meds was to help my anxiety and panic attacks, not cause them. Safe to say they didn't long. So I got off of those preeeetttyyy quick.

Not too mention they made me incredibly depressed and I regret EVER taking them (twice! I took them twice, once in 2012 and once in 2014 <<< bad idea).

Anyways, the therapist she had recommended wasn't something I could really afford at the time either, so I went through a small phase of searching and calling around for other therapist in the area who could possibly take my insurance but I still would have had to pay a co-pay and I just didn't have the money at the time to be doing that.

So I ended up getting a job at the end of 2012 and it took my mind off of things for the most part, but everyday was still a struggle because if I even felt a little off or queasy then I would freak out and start having anxiety. Anyway, I started saving up to return to school and shortly after quitting in mid 2013 I did return to school. It was all fine and dandy and by this time I learned to deal pretty well with my anxiety, my panic attacks and my emetophobia...and the occasional depression it caused of not being able to participate in fun activities with my friends.

The end of 2013 rolls around and I find out someone was 'Catfishing' all these people with my photos and basically was pretending to be me. I met my boyfriend (officially one year on the 5th of February!!) and my baby daddy (Our little girl will be here in late March-she was what happened in Vegas :P) and ended up going on a crazy year in 2014.

My significant other, I found out, also suffers from anxiety, panic attacks, and sometimes goes through phases of depression. Just like me! What's even cooler....or...not really cool cause it sucks to have it but kind of cool because it's like we are soul mates almost...he also has EMETOPHOBIA AND AGORAPHOBIA. We both have the same fears, except his is still in its earlier stages and mine is something I have learned to tolerate and manage.

He has barely had it for 2 years but like mine it started AFTER high school. His is still in the stages of where he can't travel TOO FAR from home, or outside of Las Vegas or even to the busier parts like the strip and fremont street just for the simple fact that he is terrified he may get stuck in traffic and be sick.

So...I'm sure you're wondering about the whole pregnant thing...yeah, I am 8 months along currently and everyday is horrifying. I have the very real fear that I could eat something and throw up later on, or that my daughter could kick me and cause me to be nauseated. While I have dealt with the minor nausea and fear or throwing up, I was prescribed some Zofran (which is now my new favorite, sorry Phenergan/Promethazane) and it helps instantly settle my stomach. HOWEVER, in all my eight months I have not thrown up and am hoping not too while in labor...which yes...for someone with immense anxiety like mine and the overwhelming fear of vomit...is EXTREMELY UNSETTLING.

Sadly since I live in Texas and dad lives in Vegas (which I have traveled to see him both times, the first time <<when the bun was made>> was with a friend and the second time <<about 23 weeks pregnant>> was alone...which yes, I did panic the whole time there and back) I have been doing this all alone. It is scary, and my life in 2014 was an intense roller coaster of emotion and depression.

I have dealt with severe depression since being pregnant, as I cannot participate in ANYTHING. So none of my friends hit me up for anything other than asking to borrow my ID for the clubs or to buy them alcohol, which I say no too or just flat out don't respond. I may just be emotional from being Preggy Hill, but I feel like it's been a real eye opener to the fact that my friends haven't really ever needed me other than for rides to social events.

So I have one true friends, my family, my daughter, and my significant other. While I still battle intense emetophobia, and while I still wonder if I will ever get over it like some of the inspirational stories I have read elsewhere of people doing so, I take it day by day and hope for the best.

I can't really talk to my mom about it, because she doesn't understand it...no one in my family does. It's almost taboo...like..."it's all in your head, you're making it up, just get over it"...

Sad thing is...is that it is all in my head. It's my worst fear. It's not rational, it's not a NOTICEABLE illness. It's almost like it's hidden...like it's silent, but the worst part of it is...is it's very real. I have become my own worst enemy and for anyone with anxiety or depression or a phobia, you know what I mean.

Fighting with yourself everyday is so hard.

But that is why I wrote this blog. I know that I've dealt with it and come a long way in dealing with it by myself and without medications and while I may not be a therapist, if I can even help one person who has it that would be awesome. I know there are people out there who are paid to do this but...I really wish I could talk to someone who actually HAS a disorder similar to mine, or who HAS what I have...

because I'm tired of being asked, "What's the worse that could happen?"

That's just it...nothing.

Nothing is the worse that could happen.

I know that NOTHING serious could happen from throwing up...but that's not the point...
The point is...I'm very afraid of it happening.

I will continue to update this blog as time progress and I hope anyone out there who is struggling with this or needs help with anxiety and depression or anything reads this...even if you're older than me, even if you're younger than me...

feel free to email me for questions or anything @

catacatlysmic@live.com

xoxo-Michelle